As an unbaptized convert awaiting a declaration of nullity from the Tribunal for a civil marriage, I am explicitly not called to the table of the Lord. Though I participate in the Liturgy of the Eucharist spiritually, I remain particularly unworthy to receive Him. This would be hard enough in itself but I feel my situation exacerbated by witnessing the carelessness with which so many approach (or avoid) this wondrous gift.
I wrestle with these issues on a daily basis. I have been, however, trying to look at it all as a formative exercise — in patience, in humility, and in submission to the teaching of the Church. For, in a certain sense, this trial truly is a blessing.
How many people are given sustained opportunities to know how far their love of God goes by having it tested? How can a servant be called patient or obedient who has never had to wait nor been given a command that chafes?
What better way to learn compassion for the hungry and impoverished than to hunger and to gaze upon those who squander their riches?
What understanding can one have of exile if he has never gone out into the desert, never been locked out of the temple? How much more fervently have I been taught the Salve Regina, giving myself over to the Blessed Virgin’s comfort and intercession when I pray, “…To thee do we cry, Poor banished children of Eve; To thee do we send forth our sighs,Mourning and weeping in this vale of tears. Turn then, most gracious advocate, Thine eyes of mercy toward us; And after this our exile, Show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb, Jesus…”? Who could devise a better lesson in preparation and in sincerely saying,
“Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed”
Looking at it that way, well, it’s quite a remarkable gift, no?